Of Perfect Trail Rides and Anxiety

I've tried for longer than I'd care to admit to come up with a more interesting way of opening this post, but in short, Sunday was the most fun I've had with my horse in a LONG time. Like, it was a total and complete blast and I feel safe saying it now because it's over and hopefully I'm not jinxing anything. It was a perfect day.

Alyson, Kalyn and I have been trying to plan adventures for weeks now. Kalyn sold her three-horse slant a few months ago and picked up a warmblood sized two horse that Goose fits in perfectly and we spent a few weekends painting and detailing the new ride in preparation for adventures. [Side note: Get yourself a friend who sells her three horse slant that your horse doesn't fit in in exchange for buying a trailer he does fit in so you can adventure together. To be fair, her horses travel better in a straight load anyway, but honestly I like to think she really just loves Goose and me that much.] With Alyson's two horse, we have accessible transport whenever some or all of us can get out for an adventure. 

As with all things horses, it's been a struggle to actually get things to work, usually due to weather, lost shoes, or random lameness. Womp womp. When Kalyn's friend wanted us to go trail riding at this great spot in Camden, SC she found, we were more than ready to load up and go. Unfortunately, Alyson's horse, Pari, threw a wrench in that plan but Gabi came through with a spare lesson horse that she threw on her trailer so Alyson could still join in. Talk about the stars aligning. 

The drive to Camden was easy, just over an hour, and we parked in a sandy field where there was a drop box for your $10 fee and release form. This area has over 12,000 acres of sandy trails that the hunt uses, and it's gorgeous SC pine forest. It reminded me a lot of riding through the Pine Barrens in NJ, nothing technical about these trails and you can trot or canter for actual miles without worrying about footing. It's a low-key trail riders dream. We tacked up quickly and without fuss and set off along the power lines to start the day. 

Power walking the power lines

Confession time: I panic every time I take my horse off property. I've had Goose for eight years, have put all of his training on him largely by myself, and he has proven himself to be a mostly reliable and steady mount. But I swing aboard and my heart starts pounding out of my chest every single time. I start thinking about that time SIX YEARS AGO he tried to kill me on a hunter pace. I think about the times FIVE and SIX and SEVEN YEARS AGO he spooked badly at a deer or a fairy or an invisible troll and landed me on my ass in the middle of a field. I think about the times he's gone batshit over apparently nothing and it took me awhile to calm him down. I think about the time a month ago when he was a total dickhead at Kalyn's other barn when we were doing a random trail walk. 

You know what happened after every single one of those past experiences? We were totally fine. Nothing happened. I rode through it, he got over himself/the spookies/didn't run away when I fell off, and we moved on with our day and it was fine. I've ridden him through a lot of shit, and the majority of all that was in the past. And yet I can't seem to get it through my head that this is a reliable dude and I need to ride the horse I have that day, not the asshat I bought eight years ago. 

Back to present: With my heart hammering in my chest, we rode two by two along the power lines. Kalyn was on her 4 year old lease, Scarlet, who also happens to be Goose's new pasture pal. Ahead of us was Kalyn's friend Gabi on her pony, Bo and Alyson on her borrowed horse, Gus. All horses were on a loose rein and just looking around, Goose felt a little tense but not in a bad way, just taking in the scenery and making sure that none of the falling leaves and swishing pine trees would attack him. I was making a concerted effort to just keep breathing, not choke up on my reins, and just chatted with my friends and snapped a few pictures. 

By the time we got onto a trail off the power lines, I had left a lot of my anxiety behind. Winding our way through the pine trees, none of us had a worry in the world. The horses were behaving perfectly (minus one pony spook, but that is the worst thing that happened all day and it was over and fine in an instant), and we would pick up intermittent trots along the sandy trails. Goose and Scarlet stayed in the back with the other two up front and it was so nice to just take in the environment with happy horses moving out. The baby horse behaved perfectly, Alyson was having a blast on her borrowed horse, and there were a few jumps along the trails that the hunt uses, so Gabi had her pony hop a few of those. I declined, the ever-present "what if" still circling through my brain, and I kept saying that if we found a smaller one first I'd go for it and then maybe catch one of the bigger ones later on. By "bigger ones", I mean they were like 2'6" to 3' depending on the take off and landing spot and how worn the sand was in front of it. They were inviting and Goose would have happily and easily popped over them with little direction from me. But I wanted to "set us up for success", or at least that's what I kept telling myself, and find something smaller first. 

Finally enjoying myself but still not wanting to jump fun things

 We rode for about two and a half hours, no idea how many miles we covered (anyone have a trail tracking app recommendation?) and alternated between walking and trotting. It was a gorgeous, sunny and 70 degree day and with horses on the shaggier side we didn't overdo it, but we were able to cover some ground and the horses got a nice sweat on them. With wanting to give the baby horse the best first outing experience possible, we didn't do much cantering, maybe picking up a couple strides here and there, but based on her perfect behavior I think we'd be fine to try stretching out a little more on our next outing. We did find a tiny jump, it was maybe 2', and each of us had a blast cantering back and forth over it a few times, even letting baby horse trot it once to see what she did and true to form, this honest girl took it in stride and only over jumped it by, oh, about 18" or so. Goose LOVES to jump, especially on trail or cross country. He was forward and lovely and I wish that I had this forward thinking horse in an arena too. Unfortunately, that was the last jump we came across so just when I felt ready to actually do more, we headed back to the trailer. I'm trying to hold onto that feeling of wanting to do more so I'll be braver next time we go. 

We failed and didn't get baby Scarlet's jump on video (she only did it once and was so good we called it quits) but I did get some pictures of her Very Bravely crossing water!

I got to enjoy my horse the entire ride. There was no bad behavior, no spooking, just a happy Goose on a loose rein. With a smaller horse and pony leading the way, Goose was powering through the trot a little bit so we did some half halting and bending one way or the other to create a little space, but it was so nice to ride him when he WANTED to go forward rather than me always pushing him in the arena. This horse is meant for trails and foxhunting; he just needs me to put on my big girl pants and do it more. I hate that I get so anxious. I've always been a more cautious rider, but would actually go DO things without panicking the whole time like I do now. 

About halfway through our ride, all smiles and relaxed Goober

I was thinking about this a lot last night when I got home after the ride and I've identified a few things have come into play over the past few years. Goose was a bit of a scary dude when I bought him. He'd go from saintly slowpoke to a "I SEE RED MUST DESTROY EVERYTHING IN MY PATH" kind of lunatic in random situations. For a few years, there really wasn't an in between whether on trail or in an arena and even though I always rode through it and he is now a completely different horse from the one I started with, it really shook my confidence. I didn't have the right trainer for years until I found Kendra, so it was a lot of time for my patchwork training and figuring it out myself to get to me. I also gained a lot of weight after school and my fear of falling was really high; I was worried about jumping and getting him to the other side. He's also the only horse I've really ridden in years now. Though I've sat on a few friends' horses, he's pretty much been it and I think riding other horses and being able to work through different style and problems is a confidence boost even on our own tried and trues. Since moving to NC four years ago, my confidence has really been at an all time low and a huge factor is I've not done a lot with him off property. Sure, I've taken him out a couple times a year with Amanda or a friend, but there's been no real consistency like I had with easy trailer access in NJ and plenty of adventures with Marissa and Dawn. I'm simply just not DOING anything, so now when we do go somewhere, I shrivel up into a ball.  

Have some Scarlet ears instead of Goose's

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. I believe in waking up one day, realizing you need to make a change, and going after it with everything you've got. I don't need a new year to do this, something I proved to myself last March when I made the decision to get healthier. I'm smaller and fitter than I have been in years and riding has such a better feeling for me now. I'm continuing to work hard and am loving finding more saddle time (did you know it's easier to have a fit horse when you're a fit rider? Who would have thought). I'm gaining confidence jumping in an arena again, and am pushing down those anxious butterflies pointing him at an oxer. I love jumping. I have no judgment for anyone switching to dressage later in life and deciding they don't want to jump but after considering it a few times, that's not me. Sure, I am nervous and probably always will be but that doesn't have to be crippling. It's just a speed bump I need to work through. 

Goose is truly point and shoot at a fence, especially on trail or XC. He's been looky a few times but I'm not pointing him at the big scary fences, I point him at the ones that I know are appropriate for the two of us and he takes the bit and goes for it. He's the kind of horse every amateur dreams of. Jumping him yesterday over that tiny stupid fence I felt like I could tackle the world, that's how lovely he is when I let him do things. I can count the number of times he's said no to a jump over the past eight years on one hand, and two of those times he was terrified of a tarp when he was nine and learning to jump and the other two were because I literally pulled him up at a fence due to nerves. I don't really count the ditch refusals because every horse has their thing and that's his and it's fine, I expect that one at least. He's a GOOD BOY and just needs his rider to pull her head out of her ass and to trust him to do the fun things. Yeah, horses spook and I'm sure he'll still be a shit at one point or another. But I can handle it and ride him through it like I have for eight years. I might be nervous but I'm capable and need to just work on pushing past my nerves more quickly and productively. I owe it to Goose and to myself. I'm tired of missing out on things - I did it for years thinking I was too big, and now I'm missing out because I'm too nervous. 

By the end of the ride, not too nervous to drop my reins and swivel to take pictures of the smiling baby horse.

 Riding is hard. Mental health is hard. Knowing my horse is turning 17 next year and worrying that I'll be too chicken to do fun things with him while I still can is harder still. Yesterday was amazing for so many reasons, not least of which is I came to a lot of realizations that I want to work on. Talking about my riding nerves is really personal for me, but I think on some level a lot of riders can relate and this blog is a great outlet. 2020 has been a shit year overall but I've also had the opportunity to really work on myself and I'm proud of that. I also want to be proud of my riding, and that's the next thing to tackle in my life. As long as Goose is sound and happy doing his job, I want to do fun things with him. He'll get his happy retirement whenever he needs it, but in the meantime I don't want to miss out on opportunities with him. 

More views like this, thanks. Except I guess from behind Goose's ears since this is Kalyn's view.

I want as many rides like yesterday as possible, minus the initial 20 minutes of crippling anxiety. Kalyn, Alyson and I have a lot of adventures to look forward to now that we have trailers sorted out, and Amanda and I also have big plans for Zena and Goose. Each outing I hope to be a little braver, push myself just a bit farther, and trust my horse to get me to the other side of the "monstrous" fences that he would gladly take care of me over if I just give him the chance. Yesterday was a great start at calming myself down at the start of a ride, now I need to work on doing more fun things in the middle parts of our rides. I had the absolute best time with my perfect pony and some amazing friends and I'll be clinging to that feeling until we're able to plan our next trip in January. 

 I leave for NJ on Friday, and if the weather cooperated I'll get to ride once or twice more before I pack up and head home. As this will likely be my last post of the year, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year, blogland. I hope 2021 is slightly less shit than 2020, and I hope that Blogger finally figures out how to make inserting pictures easier.