The WR2.0 That Was Not Meant To Be

Far too often lately, I've found myself thinking about when all the chaos and expense is going to end. It seems like it's been one thing after another for years now between vet bills, car expenses, moving expenses, life expenses. I'm slowly coming to the realization that it never ends, and I'd better get on board the SS LifeSucks because otherwise I'm going to drown. Does this realization mean that I'm an adult now? Better yet, does anyone know where I can return my Adult card and get my kid one back?

Money troubles are real for pretty much everyone I know. I've had so many conversations lately with my friends about horses breaking, cars breaking, bones breaking, and all of it costs money to fix and we're all struggling to keep up. Money sucks, but money is powerful. It has the ability to keep an older horse sound and happy through joint injections. It has the power to fix a car's engine so it can run for many more miles. It has the power to give Goose a better chance at a longer life.

What's a few thousand dollars to save my horse's life?

*Dramatic Pause* *Cue Eye Roll*

Goose isn't dying, it just feels that way to me because I panic easily when it comes to my animals and the past few weeks have been emotionally draining. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to a situation where you feel like it's the end of the world even if rationally you know it will likely be fine. Goose's current situation is serious, but it is not dire. Yet.

When I scheduled WR2.0 (Ween Repair 2.0, yes I can be quite immature but humor helps) for February 14th, I thought I'd be able to write a more light-hearted melanoma update joking about how I'm the worst at Valentine's gifts and got Goose a penile mass removal as a present. Hardy har har. My vet arrived right on time that morning, and this time around everything felt pretty routine. We pulled him out of his stall, I promised him she'd buy him dinner this time, he got drugged, and she took a look at what we were dealing with.

To keep everyone up to speed, Goose's last surgery was December 4th and you can read about it here. After that surgery, we decided he would need another to remove the smaller melanoma further up on his penis to try and get a clean slate. We discussed how it would be a simpler procedure involving a small incision where she could scoop the little melanoma out, and the healing time would be less. In January, I looked at Goose, who had healed beautifully by the way, and was concerned that what were few, small melanoma just weeks ago were now many small clusters of melanoma. I called my vet at the end of January and told her I thought there were more, but we went ahead and scheduled WR2.0 anyway.

Back to February 14th. We were chatting as she examined him, and I waited on bated breath for her to tell me she was ready to get started. I hadn't been feeling very good about this situation and a part of me was expecting that she wouldn't be able to do the surgery after all. Alas, my gut was correct and after she fell silent for a few minutes, she looked at me and said she was not going to let me waste my money on a surgery that wasn't going to work and wasn't safe to do standing on a barn aisle.

As awful as this situation is, I am so thankful that I have a vet who will outright tell me not to waste my money. The gist of it was that the small melanoma were now forming clusters and even growing back within the clean margins she had achieved after the first surgery. They're growing rapidly, and we now have to take this very seriously and consider more aggressive treatment options. She said that surgery was not off the table, but Goose would have to be on the table for it to be even remotely successful. We brought up the vaccine once again even though we had previously discounted it due to cost. She made it very clear to me that while these melanoma are not a huge issue right now, their growth is very concerning and we need to develop a course of treatment immediately to give him the best chance of longevity.

Bam. That wall hit me hard. Here was the longevity discussion on my horse who turns a mere 14 in March. I'm still reconciling both what was said and what was insinuated and it doesn't fail to cause my breath to catch at the thought of what might be.

The appointment was finished up with Goose getting a current coggins and his spring shots, and Dr. N said she'd be in contact with me. When she left, I put him back in his stall to sober up and immediately messaged a friend of mine for advice. She knows the melanoma vaccine very well, and was able to give me some resources for research and some solid advice. I've said it before and I'll say it again, but there is no better network than that of the Horse People, and I am forever grateful for everyone I've met along this crazy journey.

What a terrible, horrible day. I managed to work for the rest of the afternoon and didn't break down until Marissa called me when she left work. Hey, at least I made it a whole seven hours without crying, right?

My vet called me the next day with some updates. She had been in touch with the surgeon at Tryon who did not think that surgery was the best way forward, especially considering how quickly they grew back within the clean margins. He thought my money was better spent on the vaccine. Luckily Dr. N was able to get a colleague of hers on the phone who has worked with the vaccine before, and was able to find out the following information:

• The loading dose is 4 shots over an 8 week period - each 2 weeks apart
• Each dose costs roughly $350 (actual cost TBD)
• IF the vaccine works and the melanoma is no longer growing or has regressed after 6 months, Goose will need a booster every 6 months
• Likely for the rest of his life
• The following data is very unofficial and based off a veterinarian's personal experience with the vaccine: 
• 60% of the horses vaccinated showed halted growth in existing melanoma and no new tumors grew
• 20% of the horses showed regression in existing melanoma, and no new growth
• 20% of the horses had no reaction to the vaccine
• All-in, after farm call fees, administration fees, etc. my initial cost will likely be $2,200

Dr. N went on to say that she felt the vaccine was my best option and we would need to act quickly if that was our chosen course. It can be hard to come by these drugs, and she would need to source both the injector device and the vaccine. I went on to ask her about cimetidine treatment and a few other options I had some research on, and she told me that in the realm of best option, both of those would be more of a Hail Mary. She asked what I wanted to do, and I laughed. Did I really have an option here?

What do you do when faced with bills you can't pay, but would allow for procedures that could make all the difference in your animal's life? Goose is my everything. Even though I've spent much of the past few weeks cursing him and threatening to place an ad for $5 on Craigslist, everyone knows those are false threats and this horse is my life. I've given up a lot for him, and I don't regret a second of it. For everything I've missed out on because of owning him, he's paid me back in leaps and bounds by being the best horse I could ask for. He is my heart, he is my friend, he is my family.

Of course there's no other option. While I didn't want to initially pay for the vaccine if we had another course of action simply because of funding, if these injections will give my horse the best chance at life then obviously that's what I'm going to do. I might be 26 and poor, but I'm not stupid. Money is just money, and while I don't have a lot of it, spending this amount will not put me on the streets. What's a little more debt in exchange for your horse's life? It's nothing, that's what. It's not tens of thousands of dollars, and I know when I would cap on any treatment for him. I will know when to say enough is enough, and this is not that moment. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing to try and the best option we have. I am willing to go these lengths to give my horse a fighting chance at having more than a few years left, and it's not a very high price to pay when said and done.

Currently the plan is to start him on cimetidine to try to slow the progress of the melanoma until we can get our hands on the vaccine in a few weeks. I'm now obsessively checking his body for melanoma, and unfortunately there are already more under his tail than there were last week when she came out and we checked him. I also made a huge mistake by doing some research of my own, landing me in the COTH forums. Now I'm pretty much convinced he has internal melanoma that is slowly killing him even though that's highly unlikely right now.

Note to self: Don't go crazy doing research when you have a vet on the case. You will fall into a black pit of despair and it will be very difficult to climb out again.

I'm doing my best to look at this situation as having an 80% chance of success. Obviously I know he could just as easily end up in that awful 20%, but I don't let myself fall down that rabbit hole very often. Goose is still completely himself, being a total jerk under saddle as per usual this time of year and is a furry yak in 75 degree South Carolina. I'm having a way harder time with this than he is, and for that I'm grateful. Oh to live in ignorant bliss...

Dr. N and I discussed and finalized our plans today and I'm just waiting to hear back on when she can get her hands on the initial doses. She mentioned that she will be inking him up every time she comes out to inject him so we can follow the progression (or hopefully regression) of the melanoma throughout the course of treatment. I told her I'm happy to follow this example after his loading doses are done, and we agreed treating this as a research trial is the best way to go. I want this to be a clear cut as possible with easy to read, factual evidence of what is happening throughout his treatment. There will be nothing worse than me standing there wondering if there's more or fewer of the little bastards, and if I have to draw on my horse with Sharpie to give myself peace of mind, I'll do it.

Because I started this blog in part to keep track of my adventures largely for my own benefit, I'll likely be writing a lot about this journey. Time will tell how much I keep private and how much I share with the handful of people who read this nonsense, but I think it will be a good outlet all the same. For those of you who read this, roll your eyes and internally think how dramatic I'm being, don't worry I pretty much do that to myself already. I would however appreciate any negative comments be kept to yourself. This is my journey with my horse and his medical problems, and I'll cry publicly if I want to.

At the end of the day, I'm trying to be grateful. I am not, nor will I ever be, Miss Positivity, but I need to believe that this treatment is going to work and that my best friend is going to be okay. I'm choosing to not focus on these bills (starting... now), and to focus instead on enjoying my time with him, and beating this fucking awful melanoma. I don't want help, I just want support and I know I have more than enough of that to get me and this Goober through.

It's my sincerest hope that a year from now, even better ten years from now, I look back on this post and laugh in relief that this all turned out to be nothing, that everything is under control and Goose is a happy old man living in my backyard. Sink or swim, we're fighting the tides on this one and hoping that we brave the stormy seas for brighter skies ahead.

Our happy place