The Plight of the Horse Owner

This past weekend was my first weekend "off" in awhile. The past few weeks I've had family and friends in town, and it was so great to spend time with them. I love having people come visit me and it gives me a chance to explore the city more instead of just sticking with my regular routine. The downside to having so much company is that I don't get to see Goose as much, and Zuzu spends a lot more time alone than she'd like.

It's hard to keep a consistent riding schedule when Goose lives 45 minutes away from me (over an hour after work with traffic) and I end up having visitors and plans. I often feel guilty for neglecting him, even though he's on full care pasture board. It's not like he's stuck in a stall all day bored out of his mind, but it's a challenge to shut my brain off from the internal guilt trip. Most of my internal reasoning is also complete BS.

• Nobody gave Goose any cookies the past FOUR days! He's going to hate me. 
• He hasn't come inside at all, he probably thinks he's completely retired now and I've abandoned him again.
• He's going to be SO DIRTY when I get out there, he's probably grumpy and gross and uncomfortable and covered in rain rot and thrush. 
• He's getting so out of shape and then I'm going to come out and ask him to work again and he's going to throw a fit. 
• HE HASN'T HAD ANY COOKIES MY POOR BABY!!!

So some of these are valid, like I do genuinely worry about his state of cleanliness and the condition of his feet. Except his feet are awesome, the thrush has been minimal, and he hasn't had rain rot in the five years I've owned him. He did have scratches once, but that's because he was living in knee deep mud at a farm I left long ago. It hasn't come back since. 

The truth is, Goose doesn't care if he's ridden once a week, once a month, or if he was completely retired in a field somewhere with grass and buddies. In fact, he'd probably prefer that life. I do think that he likes when I come out (probably because I feed him cookies, but I'll take it) judging by the way he throws his head up and whinnies when I call his name.

So why do I feel so guilty? I feel guilty because I spend a lot of time, money, and emotion on a horse I don't see nearly often enough. However, I need to pause and remind myself that I am young, live in a city, and am trying to find a balance and way to afford my life. Goose is well cared for, fat, and happy. What more could I ask for? I'm not working towards any competition goals at the moment so his level of fitness really isn't a major issue. Besides, I don't give him nearly enough credit for how in shape he is despite less saddle time the past few weeks. I keep my goals realistic when it comes to my rides and what I'm working towards, and damnit if I want to go walk around the field with a friend instead of do another dressage school, then that's what I'm going to do. Just last week, he ended up having a full week off and I jumped on and rode in the dark and he was a saint. (You can read about it here if you want, I didn't share it on Facebook so literally no one has read it). 

I own this horse because he brings me joy and happiness. I've had opportunities to sell him, and I either couldn't bring myself to post the ad or turned down the interested buyer. Sometimes I feel like I should have taken the money and run, but I look at that face and my heart melts. He is mine forever. He is the bright spot at the end of my day, and I know that even if he had to retire tomorrow, I'd keep him in a field and go pet him and still be grateful that I own this pony. I shouldn't feel guilty that I can't get out to see him as often as I'd like, because this horse genuinely doesn't care. Part of why I love him so much is because he's the same whether he's a had a week, a month, or six months off. He's always happy to see me and never holds a grudge. Who cares if I'm not riding as much as I want to? 

Goose doesn't care. He's happy and fat chilling in the field with his buddy Miles. I do think he likes to have a job, but he doesn't mind if we haven't jumped in awhile or if our shoulder-ins have slid backwards a bit. He cares that I come see him and pet him once in awhile. He really cares about the handfuls of cookies I throw in his face. He cares that I spend time with him and talk to him and we go trail riding because that's his favorite. He gets excited to see me and any visitors I bring him, and he will be ecstatic when his Auntie Marissa comes and visits over Thanksgiving. He doesn't count how many times a week I come out, he only counts how many snacks he gets each time I show up. The point is, I eventually show up. 

He won't care that he probably gets the month of December off to have a procedure done. He doesn't care that I can't afford a new saddle that fits him better (another huge guilt trip) because I'm about to have even more vet bills to pay off. He doesn't care that I'll be gone for two weeks over Christmas. He only cares that I come back, which I always will. 

I'm done feeling guilty that I can't see my horse enough to keep him in top shape. I just need him sound and rideable, and okay fine I do need to make sure he's at least fit enough to do a hunter pace early December, but I'm not going to stress myself to get him super fit for one ride and then let him sit for a month. I've found a balance, even if that means I go out to the barn four times a week and only ride him three. 

I'm done feeling guilty when it's pouring down rain outside and I decide it's not worth the hour and a half drive to get down there, only to find him soaking wet. It's not fair to ride him when he's cold and soggy anyway. 

I'm done feeling guilty for having a life outside of Goose, and choosing to visit a friend in Atlanta this weekend instead of spending the weekend working Goose. I promised him someone will give him cookies instead of me, so he's okay with it. 

My horse friends and I talk about feeling guilty about our horses all the time. In fact, I could post countless screen shots of conversations I've had where one of us is asking for justification to skip the barn for the day, or give them one more day off, or the couch is too comfy and it's raining do I REALLY have to go ride? Granted, none of us are showing at the moment so there isn't the preparation aspect of competition, so ultimately we justify it for the other person and go about our day with that little speck of guilt nagging on our shoulder. 

Our horses are well cared for. They are happy and they are healthy. We make sure they get the best care we can afford, pedicures whenever they need it, and even though we haven't been to the doctor in probably years, they see that vet twice a year (or, you know, like every few months if you have a horse named Goose) for shots and wellness. Our horses are living the dream while we work our asses off to pay for them, and then we feel guilty that we don't see them enough because we work so hard. Such is the plight of the horse owner.

I'm done beating myself up about my schedule. As long as Goose is happy and healthy, I'm going to keep doing what I have been, which is the best I can. I have nothing to prove to anyone, and I want our rides to be fun first and productive second. We will get better and grow because we want to, not because I have to prove what we're capable of. He is my happy place whether I see him every day or once a week. That is why I have him. He's my friend, my confidante, and my life. He is my biggest stress and my greatest happiness. He's worth it.

At least he's super adorable

For the record, I also don't feel guilty for this lengthy tangent when I originally sat down to write about Zuzu's busy weekend and how it took me eight hours to bathe and clip Goose on Sunday. And how this is the second time I've had to clip him, and  he suddenly decided he's head shy and won't let me do his ears. Sigh. *Ilovemyhorse, Ilovemyhorse, Ilovemyhorse.*